I can't say exactly when it started. There were small and subtle moments that led us here. When you were a baby crying through the night I recall praying for a little peace; those moments that deep in the soul of every mother, we really never want. Little did I know how much I'd give for those moments back. Even the worst of them. I'll take a crying baby clinging to me like I was the only one in the world that could make her feel better. I'd take those nights tenfold for a hundred straight nights if I knew it could somehow help me to avoid this very moment, but that's just not the way this motherhood thing works.
Crazy this time thing we live with. We see it all happening way too fast and yet in the moment we feel its not fast enough. I saw this coming but thought time was on our side. All those little hints that you were growing up on me and yet somehow I still only saw my sweet baby.
First they were so subtle that I didn't realize it at the time. Like pulling my hand away as we walked across the street or not wanting to kiss me in front of your friends. Little moments that are a dagger to the heart because they are natures way of saying I don't need you anymore.
As the teen years crept up it became things like closing the bedroom door without.a word. No longer were the nights of your begging to sleep in my bed or the memories of our silly tub time at night because now its become a locked door and a world of secrets. My little baby's laughter was now a teen who preferred laughing on the phone with her friends and would turn it off the moment I entered a room afraid I would somehow hear your girl talk that was now none of my business.
By the time puberty kicked in I was no more than the one who lives in the same house and is gracious enough to keep the electric and wifi on. Its was hard to sit through your first broken heart that I know I can no longer fix with a kiss and a good snuggle. Not that you asked for my help anymore but oh how I missed the days I could fix it for you
It's hard to accept that you can go from being the center of ones universe to someone they no longer want to tell all those secrets to. No more of our girl chats for when I'd simply ask how your day was, I was hit with only frustrated moans as if my merely asking was somehow now a bother. Yet I can still recall you running to me excited to share every minot detail of your day at length and sometimes without even taking a breath. So excuse me as I learn to adjust, for my mind may know but my heart refuses to accept it.
I sure do miss tossing you in the shopping cart and driving like an indy driver through the stores just to hear you laugh and look at me like I was the best thing in the world. Our popcorn movie nights snuggling on the couch are now my getting a glimpse of you as you sit on your cell phone probably complaining about having to be home at all because somewhere, anywhere is more fun then here.
Nights of sneaking out, losing my keys and the million ways you drove me crazy are now just memories that in time for you shall fade, but for me I'll never forget for those were the best bad days of my life.
Now as we are about to watch you graduate and soon be off to college, I am sure I'll see you on weekends and on breaks. I mean, how else will you have clean laundry? I see you so eager to get out in the world but for me, I only long to pull you back in. The world you're so desperate to be a part of is a hard and unforgiving place but home is where I could provide easy and keep you safe but home is no longer the castle and my crown is being forcefully passed down. I may not like change but I know it is the way of life. One generation making room for the other to take over and conquer the world.
Just take heed in knowing mom is still there, where she has always been and where she will remain for you till her final breath for we all eventually come full circle and will need her again. One day when you have a family of your own I just hope that you will sit a little longer, laugh a little louder and enjoy all those special moments for the day will surely come when you too will look back and reflect and miss them just as I already do.